We love our neighbors, but we don’t always see eye to eye.
On the topic of ducks, for example.
After the rains, a few ducks moved into our neighbor’s pool which was surrounded by artificial turf. So, when the ducks finish their swim, they fly over to our grassy backyard to rest.
My husband, Barry, is an animal lover. We have a regular bird feeder, a hummingbird feeder, a cat, and a horse. Why not a couple of ducks? The pool neighbors have dogs . . . dogs that bark incessantly.
I received a text from next-door neighbor, Joan. (Note, the names have been changed). Karen, I see you have company near your bird feeder in your backyard. My doodles (a dog breed of some kind) chase them out of our pool.
I replied, Barry welcomed them into the yard and bought 20 lbs of food for them.
Joan: When is duck season? George (fake husband name) bought shotgun shells to welcome them to the dinner table. Thanks for fattening them up.
Me, thinking these comments are all in fun. Barry says, George better not be shooting his ducks.
Joan: They don’t have name tags. Haha! They poop in our pool, and my dogs will keep barking because they see them on your property.
Me: When I’ve complained about your dogs barking, you’ve always told me, “That’s what dogs do.” Now you’re complaining about ducks pooping, but that’s what ducks do.
Joan: You’ve always complained about the dogs barking. Now that you decided to feed the ducks, my dogs will bark more. I guess they can bark all they want to.
Honestly, her dogs couldn’t bark any more than they already do. I didn’t invite the ducks, but I must admit, the way they waddled around was cute. So far, I had no reason to scare them away. In fact, if she couldn’t scare them away, I probably couldn’t either. And I didn’t want to.
The next night . . .
Joan texts Barry: Please stop feeding the ducks in your backyard. They keep pooping in my pool . . .More information about the acid in duck poop and how it damages paint.
Barry: Joan, the ducks were attracted to your pool, not my backyard.
I thought he should have replied, “When you stop feeding your dogs, we’ll stop feeding the ducks.” But he didn’t. He said that would be mean and PETA wouldn’t like it.
We planned to leave on vacation. Joan and George are usually home.
Joan: Do you want me to pick up your mail while you’re gone?
She’s been picking up our mail when we’re gone for over 30 years. Our mailboxes are side-by-side next to her driveway.
Me: I would love that if you are going to be around.
Joan: OK
Two hours later I get another text.
Joan: Kair (her pet name for me), I would pick up your mail, BUT I have a busy schedule the week you are on vacation.
Me: No problem. My daughter-in-law is feeding the animals. She’ll take care of it.
Uh, oh, now I know we’re not best friends for a while. I’ll just have to take it like water off a duck’s back.
We left on vacation. During our river cruise, I entertained other couples with the story of the duck poop problem. When we returned, a blow-up alligator was floating in the pool next door. I wonder if California ducks know about East Coast alligators. Someone I talked to said they put all kinds of floaties in the pool and the ducks loved floating around on them. I received a Facebook post from my cousin in Salinas and it seems their gated community is embroiled in the same duck debacle, as well as some friends in a gated community in Hemet. So, obviously, gates don’t work. My matron-of-honor, who lives in Denver, said she welcomed wayward ducks into her yard recently. Denver!
Joan texts: May first, I had twelve ducks. Today I had eight. They ruin the PHD in our pool.
I’m still cracking up over that one.
Not only that the poop is acid, it’s just like bird crap on any car. That’s why they are NOT welcome in our pool.
Barry saw the ducks roosting on Joan’s roof. He snapped a photo, and I sent it to Joan.
Me: Hey, look where the ducks like to hang out.
Joan: Yeah, I hit them with a tennis ball. I also hit them when they’re in my swimming pool. They love roofs. The better to see where they are going to swim or poop in people’s pools.
You gotta love Joan. She never loses her sense of humor.
Now I know why Joan’s schedule was so full while we were on vacation. She’s busy throwing stuff at the ducks and blowing up her floating alligator.
I love Joan, and sometimes she gives me some pretty funny material. I’ve been retired from standup comedy for five years, but when I tell this story, other people still laugh with me. I may take it back to the stage.
My latest hobby is gardening. It’s all new to me, and I wonder if duck poop will be a good fertilizer. Research shows duck poop doesn’t hurt grass at all. In fact, it is an A+ fertilizer because it is packed with the best nutrients. Who knew? So, pooping on Joan’s artificial grass would be a waste. No wonder they prefer pooping in our real living grass. They are doing it for our benefit. “Here ducky ducky.”
I would love to hear from you. Especially if ducks are making a home in your backyard. It really encourages a writer if you leave a comment or share the post.
My books are all for sale on my website: www.SayItWithHumor.com
Love the story. You quack me up!
Great story! sorry for the war with the neighbors, but a duck gotta do what a duck gotta do! We're too dry to keep ducks around. The neighbors have peacocks...I would prefer the sound of ducks, believe me!