NOCTURNAL LEG CRAMPS

I haven’t got a leg to stand on.

“Mommy, oohh, Mommy. Please come. Owww.” My eight-year-old voice called out in the darkness. “Mommy, oohhh. Please, help me!”

I can still remember my first leg cramp in my calf muscle and crying for my mother. She would stumble in half asleep, rub my knotted calf, and speak comforting words to calm me. The pain was like nothing I’d ever known. As the years went by, leg cramps were sporadic. Sometimes I’d go through a year without a recurrence. I’d almost forget about them. And then, there were seasons when cramps came back with a vengeance and occurred nightly. I learned to slide out of bed quickly and walk until the muscle relaxed. It became automatic and only took a minute or two before I hopped back in bed.

A couple of years ago, the leg cramps started to attack me in different parts of my lower leg: down the outer sides, down the front of my shin, and around the ankle. Sometimes, my foot will cramp, and all my toes double up in a clenched position. And lately, the worst cramp is around my ankle and down the front of my foot, causing my big toe to stand straight up. I’ve forgotten the pain of childbirth, but this erected big toe is excruciating. Even standing on it with the other foot won’t force it down. It pulls my whole foot inward, and walking is torturous. And nothing helps. Some nights I’m up as many as four times, staggering around the darkened house. (By the way, I’ve broken three toes in the last 20 years; two on the cedar chest and one on the chair Barry made of horseshoes.) Have you heard enough?

Through the years, I’ve tried cures suggested by anybody and everybody. Magnesium, water, potassium, bananas, liquid magnesium applied topically, and more water. Since this most recent onslaught, I’m asking everyone I see for remedies.

The guy across the street told me yellow mustard works for him. One night of agony, I felt desperate. I grabbed the mustard out of the fridge, filled a tablespoon, and slurped it down. The cramp quit, and I went back to bed, amazed. So, I bought a huge bottle of yellow mustard. Every time I had a cramp, I’d roll over, squirt some mustard in my mouth, and go back to sleep. It worked for a while until I had a craving to go to Wienerschnitzel every day, and I had to back out of it (the mustard, not Wienerschnitzel.) Then my neighbor told me to take a tablespoon before I go to bed. When that failed, he offered to come over with a chainsaw. (I’m sure he was kidding.) Another friend suggested Pickle Juice. I bought two pecks of pickled peppers through Peter Piper, oh no, it was Amazon. I’ve drunk so much yellow mustard and pickle juice, I feel like a weenie. Actually, I have two buns, so I guess that makes me a hot dog.

My daughter, Jodi, thought I should be drinking electrolytes. I went straight to Rite Aid and bought a box of electrolyte packets to be dissolved in water. I’m always happy to take her advice because we often remind her, “We didn’t pay for your college education for nothing.” So, I dump a packet of electrolytes in my 20 oz. water container and take a big swig. Oh, my goodness! It was like drinking out of the Great Salt Lake or licking a horse’s salt block. (I think I did that once when I was a little kid.) Yuck! I called Jodi and threatened to return the box of electrolytes. She chastised me for not buying the kind she recommended from Amazon. Back to the drawing board, I ordered a box of the brand Jodi recommended and waited with anticipation. Re-Lyte in Watermelon lime. Two days later, I dump one of the packets into my water container and take a giant swig, expecting a refreshing oasis of flavor. What a shock! It tasted like watermelon-lime washed up out of the ocean. Yuck! It tasted like the salt water from my first purchase. When I complained to Jodi, she would not let me give up and insisted that I wade into the salt water in smaller doses until I could tolerate it. “We didn’t pay for the college education for nothing.” So, I followed her instruction and managed to work that slowly into my water intake. It brings back memories of my dad throwing the salt shaker out the back door because I had licked it and clogged up the salt. Did it help the cramps? A resounding, NO!

I’m not finished. My friend brought me some Solle Naturals to dissolve and drink in water. Each packet is full of green powder made of alfalfa, spinach, and all sorts of green stuff I can’t pronounce. She also threw in some cream called SolleFlexAC Therapeutic Cream made of Arnica (which I’ve tried several times), Calendula, and Aloe. The trouble is now I’m trying so many things, how will I know which one is working? If it does?

I just had a pedicure, and I told the foot lady about the cramps. She doesn’t speak much English, so I had to act out the cramps. She told me to pinch my big toe as hard as I could when the cramp starts. She demonstrated and nearly lifted me out of the chair. Whoopee!

I’ve googled and AI’ed everything Leg Cramp, and nothing they suggest has helped. AI just told me that low levels of magnesium, potassium, or calcium can also contribute. I was taking all three but laid off the potassium and calcium because the darn pills were so hard to swallow, but I’ll add them back to my handful of vitamins I consume each night.

The photo above is just some of what adorns my nightstand, in an attempt to put my legs to sleep. The photo below is what populates my headboard to attempt to put my nose to sleep.

Of course, there is Melatonin, L-Theanine, CBD, and Temazepam to attempt to put my head to sleep. Meanwhile, the man who sleeps next to me, my husband of 53 years, puts his head on the pillow, shuts his eyes, and is gone.